


Shut Out/Let In

by Liminal_Space_LLC



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Character Study, Crushes, Cuddling & Snuggling, Derek "Nursey" Nurse is Unchill, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 09:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16992231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liminal_Space_LLC/pseuds/Liminal_Space_LLC
Summary: After a hard loss, Chowder fears what thoughts Nursey's chill exterior may conceal.





	Shut Out/Let In

Chowder’s favorite feeling in the world is going into the locker room after a shut out. He walks in, his legs already turning to jelly from squatting all game, and suddenly his entire team is screaming and whooping and cheering. They pile onto him, and it’s like he can feel their love pressing into his bones. He hears snatches of “FUCKING KILLED IT” and “BEST GOALIE EVER,” and—no matter how tired he is, or what shit is going down in his life—in that moment, he is perfectly euphoric. He doesn’t just have his own happiness. He has the elation of twenty-two other people. It all belongs to him.

But the opposite is true as well. When they lose, he walks into the dressing rooms, and he nearly breaks down on the spot. His dearest friends are so miserable, and it’s his fault. Even though they tell him it’s not, he knows that if he had just blocked a few more pucks, they would all be grinning. Their sadness belongs to him, too.

The hardest of all is going back to the hotel room after road games. He usually shares with Nursey or Dex, and watching his best friends suffer after a hard loss, knowing it’s his fault, is almost unbearable.

Tonight he’s roomed with Nursey. They’d lost 7-0. Chowder had been so bad they didn’t send him out for the last period. They put Osie in net instead.

He’s a coward, so instead of talking to Nursey, he takes another shower in the hotel bathroom. He turns the water on too hot, trying to burn away the shame. It doesn’t help. It just turns his feet red and numb.

When he’s been in the bathroom three times as long as is reasonable, he makes himself leave. Nursey’s on his laptop.

“Bathroom’s free.”

Nursey glances up, his expression unreadable. “Thanks.”

Chowder pulls on a Sharks t-shirt and Samwell shorts and worries. He never knows what Nursey is thinking. He’s always thinking something. Chowder’s known Nursey long enough to realize that his brain is in perpetual motion. But Nursey’s expressions rarely give away his thoughts. That stare could be fury or judgment or disappointment.

A calmer, more sensible part of him argues, _Nursey would never hold a loss against you._

But that’s cold comfort when he starts thinking about what else that carefully composed face could hide. _Maybe he knows,_ a scared voice in the back of his mind whispers, _Maybe he’s wondering how to let you down gently_.

He has to grip his duffel at that thought. His chest feels tight. He tries to breathe slowly.

Everything about this crush has blindsided him. He didn’t even know he liked guys when he got to college. Watching his captains fall in love one by one made him wonder. Experimenting with Cait had made him sure. Then one day, a month after he and Cait decided to be friends, he had looked at Nursey and finally realized what that warm, cloud-soft feeling in his chest meant.

Brown arms wrap around his shoulders. “Chris, are you okay?” Five o’clock shadow grazes his ear.

“I’m fine.”

“Mmm. Still worrying about the game, huh?”

“Yeah, a bit.”

Nursey takes Chowder’s shoulders in hand and turns him around. Nursey’s gaze is gentle but utterly solemn. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I got pulled.”

Nursey’s brow creases. “The coaches thought you were injured, C. Of course they pulled you.”

Chowder shrugs. “Still let in five goals.”

“Everyone has bad games. And we should have supported you better.”

“Is that really everything you’re thinking?”

Nursey swallows and stares at him for long moment. “Yes,” he says quietly.

Chowder has to look away. “Derek, please just tell me what you’re actually thinking.”

He stares at the wall, unseeing, waiting for Nursey to say something. But nothing happens. The longer he waits, the more horrible it becomes. _He hates me. He doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. He never wants to talk to me again_. _He’s going to—_

 “I hate seeing you like this.” Nursey’s voice is shaking slightly. “You’re so sweet and supportive and thoughtful. You deserve to be happy all the time.”

Chowder looks at him. Nursey’s eyes are shining. Chowder opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know what to say.

“You’re one of my favorite people in the world. And I wish—” His eyes rake Chowder’s face. “I wish I knew how to make you feel better. Those are all the things I am thinking.” As if against his will, Nursey’s hand rises to brush Chowder’s hair out of his eyes.

The motion is so tender, Chowder feels like he might crumble in place. But he can practically hear the sounds of the words Nursey has left unsaid. “All the things?”

Nursey meets his eyes and whispers, “No.”

“What else?”

Nursey looks so afraid that Chowder grabs his hand and squeezes. No matter what Nursey is going to say, Chowder cannot stand seeing him so scared. The thought that he, Chowder, is frightening Nursey is horrible.

Nursey looks at him as if he’s memorizing Chowder’s face, looking and looking and looking. In the dim hotel room light, his eyes are deep, storm gray.

In a softer whisper still, Nursey says, “You are gorgeous.” He says it as though it is his deepest, dearest secret.

Chowder has no thoughts, in the spell of those eyes and those words. He can hardly breathe. He steps closer to Nursey. He smells of coconut.

Chowder kisses his cheek. When Chowder pulls away, a smile is dawning on Nursey’s face. He breathes, “Chris.”

Chowder kisses him again, on his cheeks and his forehead and his eyebrows and the tip of his nose, until Nursey takes Chowder’s face in his hands and brings him into the sweetest kiss of his life. Chowder wraps his arms around Nursey’s waist and brushes Nursey’s shoulder blades with his fingers.

Nursey giggles and pulls away. He says shyly, “You like me.”

“Uh-huh.” Chowder squeezes his waist and pulls him in for another kiss.

He pulls back again and stares at Chowder. He’s smiling gorgeously, but his eyebrows are knit together. “You like me?”

Chowder nods. “Have for a long time.”

“How long?”

Chowder shrugs. “Maybe since I met you.”

Nursey bites his lip and looks down, and Chowder worries he’s said the wrong thing. “Nursey? What’s wrong?”

But when Nursey looks up, he’s smiling. “Nothing’s wrong, C. I’m, just, so happy. I don’t know how to be this happy.”

So Chowder kisses him and holds him until he laughs again. When they’re lying together on one of the hotel beds, Chowder watches Nursey fall asleep against his chest, a smile lingering on Nursey’s face, and thinks that if all he ever did in this world was make Derek Nurse happy, that would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you want to read more of my things, I am also on [tumblr](https://nerdmetamorphosis.tumblr.com). If you wish to do me the honor of sharing this story, you can find the [tumblr post here](https://nerdmetamorphosis.tumblr.com/post/181118894488/shut-outlet-in) and the [pillowfort post here](https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/257897).


End file.
